Sunday, January 1, 2012

THE 2012 COMMERCIAL GIRL DRAFT BOARD

On a football-filled New Year’s Night several bright, intelligent TV watchers began discussing over Twitter some of the comely ladies who grace our flatscreens during commercial breaks. One thing lead to another and I am proud to announce the inaugural Commercial Girl Draft.
The rules are simple: If she is in a commercial she can be drafted. The only restrictions are ladies in ads promoting a TV show or Movie or ladies who achieved mainstream Film/TV fame before appearing in the commercial. Sorry, but the Famous Actresses Draft is for another time.
After all the participants gathered, their twitter handles were placed in a data randomizer and the result would be the final draft order. The 2012 Commercial Girl draft order was:
  1. TheGuruStu
  2. Titanium_R_A
  3. JNorris25
  4. Rights_of_bill
  5. JoeInBugaha
  6. DeanNoLongerInO
  7. Fidoz
  8. MastTerBase
  9. Duncanstein (me)
  10. Derse12
  11. TheFrancisPablo
After minutes of vigorous scouting, the various general managers considered such things as arm slots, explosivity, and hip swivel. Their deliberations lead to the biggest decisions they would ever make in life. Without any further ado, the order of Commercial Girl draftees (along with links to their commercials) is below:
NOTE: The Commercial Girl Draft is for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance between this and any real entry draft, past or present, is purely coincidental. Seeking Your Own Satori, its contributors, Ape Donkey, and all drafters sincerely thank the ladies involved for the work they do and want nothing more than to keep the tone of this draft light-hearted and complimentary.
FIRST ROUND

Pick Overall Drafter Commercial Girl
1 1 TheGuruStu Romolicious from the NFL Network Fantasy Football Commercial
2 2 Titanium_R_A Reebok Easy Tone Girl
3 3 JNorris25 College in PJ’s girl from Education Connection
4 4 Rights_of_Bill Golfer mom from Zyrtec commercial
5 5 JoeInBugaha Jessica Frech, The Singing Hyundai Guitarist Girl
6 6 DeanNoLongerInO The Girl From 4E From State Farm
7 7 Fidoz The Date from Heineken’s “The Date” commercial
8 8 MastTerBase Blonde from the Kumho Tires Beach Commercial
9 9 Duncanstein Andrea Bogart, the weather lady from AT&T’s “Hey Marcel!” commercial
10 10 Derse12 The British girl from the Old Spice Commercial (video semi-NSFW)
11 11 TheFrancisPablo Sally from the Subway “Betrayal” commercial 

SECOND ROUND

Pick Overall Drafter Commercial Girl
1 12 TheGuruStu The Facebook Girl form the Toyota Venza Commercial
2 13 Titanium_R_A The lady from the “Don’t Close the…Dooooor” House Hunters on HGTV promo
3 14 JNorris25 The Treadmill Girl from the Worx Energy Commercial
4 15 Rights_of_Bill The Vegas Road Trip Girl from the Crest 3D White Strips Commercial
5 16 JoeInBugaha Denise from Taco Bell
6 17 DeanNoLongerInO The “Change Me Back” (After) Girl from State Farm’s Anniversary Ad
7 18 Fidoz The T-Mobile Girl.
8 19 MastTerBase Nicole Taylor, the Corona Beach Getaway Checkout Line Girl
9 20 Duncanstein Purple Dress Girl from State Farm’s “Dark Side” Ad
10 21 Derse12 The Original Orbit Girl, Vanessa Branch
11 22 TheFrancisPablo Samantha from the Subway Ads

THIRD ROUND

Pick Overall Drafter Commercial Girl
1 23 TheGuruStu “Daddy Don’t Want No Cologne” Girl from Best Buy’s “Disproportionately-Huge-Rage-at-Santa” Campaign.
2 24 Titanium_R_A Nathalie Kelley from the Schick Quattro Ad
3 25 JNorris25 Milana Dadamjana of Zippearz.com Earphones
4 26 Rights_of_Bill The Lexus Elevator Girl
5 27 JoeInBugaha The Super C-U-T-E Old Navy Kim Kardashian Lookalike
6 28 DeanNoLongerInO Go Daddy Girl Who Was Knocked Out By a Locker Door*
7 29 Fidoz Blue Print Dress iPod Touch Enjoyer
8 30 MastTerBase Tore Miesi, model famous for the Benefiber Commercial
9 31 Duncanstein The Agent from State Farm’s “Leather Pants” commercial
10 32 Derse12 The Mother (first one) from the Worx Commercial
11 33 TheFrancisPablo Marina, 27, from a Proactive Commercial I Cannot Track Down Anywhere

FOURTH ROUND

Pick Overall Drafter Commercial Girl
1 34 TheGuruStu Natalie Garza, one of the most recent Doublemint Twins from 2005


Titanium_R_A CONCLUDED HIS PARTICIPATION IN THE FIRST FIVE ROUNDS
2 35 JNorris25 Eleanor Wells of the Sketchers Shape-Ups ad


Rights_of_Bill MISSED DRAFT TIME LIMIT, MOVED TO END OF ROUND
3 36 JoeInBugaha Blonde Miller Lite Cabana Bartender
4 37 DeanNoLongerInO The Pitchlady from the the Shakeweight commercial
5 38 Fidoz Verizon “Rule The Air” Lady
6 39 MastTerBase Lingerie Wearer from the Windows Phone “Really?!” Commercial”
7 40 Duncanstein The McDonald’s “Pet Name” Girl
8 41 Derse12 The Miller Lite “Momma’s Boy” Bartender
9 42 TheFrancisPablo Lauren Ashley Bishop of Mini Babybel fame
10 43 Rights_of_Bill Esurance “You DJ On the Weekends?” Girl

FIFTH ROUND

Pick Overall Drafter Commercial Girl
1 44 TheGuruStu Nicole Garza, The Second Doublemint Twin from 2005


Titanium_R_A CONCLUDED HIS PARTICIPATION IN THE FIRST FIVE ROUNDS
2 45 JNorris25 The Lay’s Potato Chip Redhead
3 46 Rights_of_Bill Taco Bell Denise’s Co-Worker
4 47 JoeInBugaha Girlfriend of the Crying Miller Lite Airport Guy
5 48 DeanNoLongerInO Ginger Date Searcher from Zooks
6 49 Fidoz The Labcoated *ahem* “Scientist” from the Trojan Bareskin Ad
7 50 MastTerBase Very Skilled Blonde in the Tic Tacs Commercial*
8 51 Duncanstein KGB SMS Knowledge Base Girl
9 52 Derse12
10 53 TheFrancisPablo The Miller Lite “Man Purse” Bartender

This concluded the “Commercial Girl” selection of our little thought exercise (I say “thought exercise” because it sounds more sophisticated than “Pervfest”). But there’s one last round: The Coach’s Round. Here, our intrepid GM’s choose from the field of ANY currently-running TV show to “coach” the squad they created. After all, what is TV but the next level up from TV commercials? Leadership is big.

SIXTH ROUND—THE COACH’S ROUND

Pick Drafter Commercial Girl “Coach”
1 TheGuruStu Maria Bello–Prime Suspect

Titanium_R_A
2 JNorris25 April Bowlby–Drop Dead Diva
3 Rights_of_Bill Elisha Cuthbert–Happy Endings
4 JoeInBugaha Cobie Smulders–How I Met Your Mother*
5 DeanNoLongerInO The Girl from TMZ With the Horn-Rimmed Glasses, who is not only a real person but popular enough to be a suggested search term on Google.
6 Fidoz Aubrey Plaza–Parks and Recreation
7 MastTerBase Gillian Jacobs–Community
8 Duncanstein Jane Levy–Suburgatory

Derse12
9 TheFrancisPablo Katie Aselton–The League

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WAIVER WIRE

Every sports fan knows that the week after any draft is rife with “final touch” moves as each organization scrambles to get in the best position possible. Sadly, that means draftees (especially late-round draftees) are released in favor of an undrafted free agent. The first of such moves was made today. It (and any subsequent ones) is outlined below:

Drafter
Waived Commercial Girl
Acquired Commercial Girl
MastTerBase
Skilled Tic Tac Lady (Rd 5, 50)
Aveeno Girl in the field with the young child
JoeInBugaha
Cobie Smulders (Coach)
Kaley Cuoco
DeanNoLongerInO
GoDaddy Locker Girl (Rd 3, 28)
Girl from the “Hottie to Nottie” Worx ad
MastTerBase
Aveeno Girl in the field with the young child (WAIVER)


FINAL ROSTERS—As Of February 5, 2012

Manager
Roster
TheGuruStu
Romolicious, Toyota Venza Facebook, “Daddy Don’t Want No Cologne,” Doublemint Twin 1, Doublemint Twin 2, Maria Bello (Coach)
Titanium_R_A
Reebok Easy Tone, House Hunters “Don’t Close the Door,” Schick Quattro,
JNorris25
College in PJ’s, Worx Treadmill, Zippearz.com Earphones, Sketchers Shape-Ups, Lays Potato Chip Readhead, April Bowlby (Coach)
Rights_of_Bill
Zyrtec Golfer Mom, Crest 3D Vegas Road Trip, Lexus Elevator, Esurance “Do You DJ?” Taco Bell Denise’s Co-Worker, Elisha Cuthbert (Coach)
JoeInBugaha
Hyundai Singer, Taco Bell Denise, Super C-U-T-E, Blonde Miller Lite Cabana, Crying Miller Lite Airport Girlfriend, Cobie Smulders (Coach)
DeanNoLongerInO
Girl From 4E, State Farm “Change Me Back” (after), GoDaddy Knocked Out By Locker Door, Shakeweight Pitchlady, Zooks ginger, Glasses TMZ Girl (Coach)
Fidoz
Heinekin Date, T-Mobile Girl, iPod Touch Blue Dress, Verizon “Rule The Air,” Trojan Bare Skin Scientist, Aubrey Plaza (Coach)
MastTerBase
Kumho Tires Girl, Corona Beach Getaway Checkout Line, Benefiber Model, Windows Phone Lingerie, eHarmony iPhone Girl, Jillian Jacobs (Coach)
Duncanstein
“Hey Marcel” Weather Girl, State Farm “Dark Side” Sensitivity Blonde, State Farm “Leather Pants” Agent, McDonalds “Pet Name,” KGB SMS Text Service, Jane Levy (Coach)
Derse12
British Old Spice, Original Orbit Girl, Worx Mother, Miller Lite “Momma’s Boy,”
TheFrancisPablo
Subway Sally, Subway Samantha, Proactive Marina, 27, Lauren Ashley Bishop of Mini Babybel, Miller Lite “Man Purse,” Katie Aselton (Coach)


What is the next step in the 2012 Commercial Girl Draft? Who knows? Maybe it'll be a fountain of numerous inside jokes, maybe it'll be the start of a grand tradition, maybe it'll be a source of unfathomable embarrassment in a few years. Either way there will be a permanent record of what we did to start the new year somewhere. One thing is for sure: The next time somebody says the T-Mobile Girl is a first-rounder, we finally have definitive proof that she is not. Something great happened over the long weekend. It just didn't happen here.

NOTE: The Commercial Girl Draft is for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance between this and any real entry draft, past or present, is purely coincidental. Seeking Your Own Satori, its contributors, Ape Donkey, and all drafters sincerely thank the ladies involved for the work they do and want nothing more than to keep the tone of this draft light-hearted and complimentary.