The Fake Baseball Fan's Guide to Picking a Team

The snow on the ground has melted, the sky is blue, and we are slowly but surely shedding our coats and scarves for short sleeves and sunglasses. Spring is here and you know what that means: it’s almost summer! And you know what summer means.

 

Feel the excitement! (or at least as much excitement as we can muster in this damned heat)

I’ve never been crazy about baseball. As far as sports go, I don’t hold it in utter contempt like soccer, but I also don’t make appointments to watch like football, basketball, or hockey. But they do call summer the “dog days” for a reason and I’m going to need a distraction during the season.

Now as a proud Chicago homer I’m in the unenviable position of picking between two MLB teams to place my emotional chips. If you want to talk baseball in this town you have to pledge your allegiance to either the Cubs or the White Sox. On this there can be no compromise. The Cubs/White Sox rivalry is, for my money, the most heated rivalry two baseball teams that don’t share a league can have. But don’t take my word for it. Look at this local car commercial and tell me that white-hot seething hate doesn’t burn between these two proud franchises.

This might be Lou Piniella's last year with the team, making this the last year that commercial will be relevant. Join me in a wistful sigh.

Transcending sports as much as possible, the Cubs/White Sox rivalry is essential Chicago, nine innings at a time. Choosing a side is not just a statement on baseball, it’s a reflection of your family background, your geographic location, and your socioeconomic status. Your decision answers the question “What does this city mean to you?”

…at least that’s the case among real baseball fans.

To a guy like me (who can take or leave baseball) choosing a side is just a necessary means to avoid looking like a tool if you ever decide to talk sports during the summer. Most fans’ appreciation for sports comes at an early age, with family influences. Well my family wasn’t into sports much (or the just didn’t want to talk about it with me), so I came onto the scene late, left to my own devices to form my fandoms. Let’s start picking sides!

Enjoy that image, fans. Early reports indicate you won't be seeing much of it this summer.

Ah, the Cubs. The Cubbies. The Northsiders. One of baseball’s most storied franchises in one of the game’s most historic parks. Wrigley Field is a museum of baseball history. Even if the seating isn’t comfortable and you still need to pee in a trough. Baseball is an old-timey sport so this antiquated ball park is perfect. And the warm, vibrant Wrigleyville area is an extension of the stadium. Even if you don’t like baseball, the corner of Addison and Clark is one of the go-to tourist spots in Chicago.

Among other things, the Cubs represent the metropolitan flash and glamor that makes Chicago (specifically the North Side) a world-class city. Be honest: how many of you, before reading this post, even knew that Chicago had a second major league baseball team? From the Steve Goodman song “Go Cubs Go” to the opening sequence of the sitcom Perfect Stranger, popular media has pretty much bent over backwards to equate Chicago with one and only one baseball team: your Chicago Cubs. But what does it mean to be a Cubs fan?

Cubs fans--especially the younger ones--have a reputation of not caring much about the game or the team and only attending games because Wrigley Field is the place to be. This view, simplistic as it is, is supported by WGN, the televised home of the Chicago Cubs. Watch a Cubs home game on WGN and you’ll be treated to no fewer than 1,000 shots of people in the stands drinking beer, talking on their cell phones, posing for pictures, sunbathing, and anything else that isn’t watching the game on the field. Even though this behavior is the antithesis of real sports fandom, I’m not gonna lie to you: I can’t see myself paying close attention to a baseball game. To that end, I have to identify with Cub fans' attitude toward the game. Even if you bought a ticket, there has to be better things to do in the boiling high noon heat than watch nine guys meander around a field during the constant lulls in action. I mentioned the girls sunbathing, right?

From a baseball standpoint, the most compelling reason to cheer for the Cubs is the fact that they play in the National League. Now I know that I’m a disinterested fence-sitter, but if I’m going to watch baseball, I might as well watch baseball done right. For the uninitiated, the National League is the league where the pitcher must hit. “Well of course the pitcher must hit! Isn’t he part of the team?” you might ask. Well there is another league, the American League, where the pitcher doesn’t have to hit in the lineup. In fact, in the American League, there’s an entirely new position called “designated hitter” where a guy (typically over the hill and incapable of providing anything more than home runs) just sits on the bench and waits for his time to bat. No fielding, no pitching, he probably doesn’t even have to get his own Gatorade. It’s madness, I know. And the Cubs manage to avoid it. But there’s another team in town that isn’t so lucky…

I'd use a nicer picture, but Google has yet to find a picturesque view of the South Side.

The White Sox. The Southsiders. The Team that Actually Won. If the Cubs represent the face of the city, the White Sox represent the blood and guts: not as pretty, nobody likes to talk about them, but their presence is no less vital to the life of Chicago. Socially, the South Side is marked by a distinct blue-collar working class demographic, holdovers from the old rail and steel days. Comisky Park U.S. Cellular Field is not nearly as historic or scenic as Wrigley Field and gathering a sellout crowd sometimes seems impossible. But White Sox Nation is a proud and loyal fan base. Perhaps a little too proud.

Despite having the city’s only World Series championship in 92 years, White Sox fans are still wont to harp on the shortcomings of the Cubs. In fact, most of the stereotypes about Cub fans written above are creations of White Sox fans. This is textbook inferiority complex and, quite frankly, I think they’re better than that.

In fact, I know they’re better than that. In recent history, General Manager Kenny Williams and Team Manager Ozzie Guillen have organized a team that stays competitive just about every year. They might not always win the AL Central, but they’re going to stay in the conversation through September. As a sports fan, I have to appreciate ownership that takes the business of winning seriously. Unfortunately, at times, it seems as though the Cubs brass is content to spend big money directionlessly. And because of the unwavering loyalty of Cubs fans, the organization doesn’t take a financial hit. It creates quite the nasty cycle. But here I go using the Sox’s time to go negative on the other side. I’m acting like a fan already! Speaking of acting like a fan...

Every single Luv-a-bull at the United Center wishes she could be as shameless a cheerleader as this guy.

The White Sox also boast Ken “Hawk” Harrelson, perhaps my absolute favorite Chicago sports announcer. I already know the following sentence won’t make sense, but try to follow me on this: Hawk Harrelson is so boring that he actually completes the 360 and returns back to total audio fun. He can spend a half-inning telling a story about some obscure knuckleballer from the 1968 Washington Senator and lull you into a sense of serenity. He broadcasting style is baseball personified. But that’s not the whole of Hawk’s charm. When he’s not waxing nostalgic, he’ll delight TV viewers with one of his many many catchphrases. Baseball fans (even ones outside the area) know what I’m talking about: “HEGONE!” “Can ‘O corn.” “Stretch!” “Gasssssss” and the immortal “You can put it on the boooooooooooard, YES!” If Hawk Harrelson were any other man, I would call him the hackiest hack who ever hacked. But once again, he’s so corny that it’s absolutely awesome. Chicago either loves Hawk or loathes him, but if I’m going to watch over 150 baseball games on TV, I want to listen to somebody who doesn’t take the sport or himself too seriously.

There are several other factors in choosing a team, but these are my main points of interest. And even after I’ve laid them all out in blog form, I’m still having a heck of a time making a final decision. So I call upon you, gentle reader, to break the tie. Especially my friends in Chicago. I’m a very dedicated fan and my rooting might just be the thing that puts your team over the top this year. To make the most informed decision, I’m willing to accept free tickets to both Wrigley and the Cell to get a closer look. But no matter what my final decision is, I promise you this: when Crosstown Rivalry time (the 6 games during the season when both teams play each other) comes, I will not be the jerk in stands wearing this:

The Devil's Pajamas

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