The Complete Duncanstein Guide to Watching Football

The NFL playoff season will be getting underway in a few days. This means a football-mad society is going to get even football-madder. So now is the best time for a quick primer on how to watch a football game.

“How dare you!” you may outburst, “I’ll watch football however I damn well please!” Well there’s your first mistake. Because whether you watch football alone, with friends, or at the stadium, you are representing the human race. Anything you do for those 3-4 hours will reflect on our species one way or another. So no, you will not watch football however you please. You will do so the Duncanstein way.

Pictured above: at least five violations of the below primer

Now I am nothing if not a fair person. I am also a football fan myself. So trust that the content below comes from the point of view of someone in touch with the needs of the average football fan. These rules are super-simple and will maximize the amount of fun you will have at your next football function.

Pregame

• Pregame procedures are simple: don’t do it. Find out exactly what time kickoff is scheduled and keep your TV off until then. You do not need to fry your brain with pregame interviews, picks, injury reports, or “analysis.” Anything you need to know before the game will be told to you during the opening minutes. You may think this is me being strict, but you’ll actually thank me for this.
• Twitter Tip: if you put even halfway decent effort into cultivating a Twitter follow list you’ll know everything you need to know in nice 140-character chunks. Follow a few favored media personalities. The best ones retweet with discretion: only game-changers, no offensive line moves.
• Tailgate if you must but understand the shameful nature of it and refrain from letting friends and family know. If you’ve got to get your drink or eat on, do it at a real bar or restaurant like a civilized human.
• Twitter Tip: Don’t tweet pictures of your beer bottles or plates of wings. We’ll believe you if you just say you’re stuffing your face. We know you’re trying to simulate the level of fun you wish you were having. It’s not working. 

      During the Game 

• Don’t cheer. This may be the hardest rule for you guys to follow but trust me on this: don’t scream at your TV when your team makes a good play and definitely don’t swear at your TV when your team makes a bad one. Why? Because the players can’t hear you! Meanwhile, everyone around you can and audible cheering only shames yourself and embarrasses your friends. If you have a physical inability to watch a sporting event without going into fits of hysteria, forget the game and check into your nearest emergency room.


• Twitter tip: You get two (2) game-related tweets during the entire event. And if the game goes into overtime, you don’t get any more so use them wisely. I would prefer if you use none but I know some of you can’t help yourselves. All I ask is that you be original. Everyone knows the name of the player who made the big play so just typing out his name in all-caps doesn’t add anything. Catchphrases are stupid so leave the hashtags in the holster. If I can’t tell your reaction tweet from the dozens of other reaction tweets in my timeline, then you have failed as a tweeter and—I’m just gonna say it—a human being.
• Don’t bitch at people who talk or ask questions during the game. If your concentration is so fragile that you can’t follow football with background noise, you should resolve to watch all your games alone. And perhaps invest in some ginkgo biloba. TV broadcasts keep scoreboards with down-and-distance graphics plastered on your screen. You should be able to watch the game during a Slayer concert and not lose one iota of valuable information.
• Also, don’t bitch about the woman (or man, but come on…) who doesn’t understand football. She is often the sanest one of the group and represents a reminder that there is a great big world out there outside of sports. Don’t feel compelled to explain the rules to her since a guest who does have the responsibility usually accompanies her. Make her feel welcomed. Show her that football fans are not the under-evolved shaved apes that beer commercials like to portray us as.
• Twitter tip: If you must gripe about your guests Twitter is the perfect platform to do it. Twitter folks are usually surly grumps themselves so they can sympathize. And the best part is such tweets count as more social-related than football-related. Win-win!
• Cheering out of spite (i.e. against another team) is only for the most refined football fan, the 1% of fans who can defend actions that are indefensible. You need to commit fully to your spite-cheering or don’t spite-cheer at all. Therefore it’s best not to do it at all.
• Twitter tip: I consider myself part of the aforementioned 1% so if the need arises I will be spite-cheering on twitter. I’ll take on all comers. 

Postgame 

• If your favorite team wins you are allowed to be happy. Be happy. Don’t be hysterical. Don’t run around the room like your hair is on fire. Don’t go dancing in the street. Be…happy. And even then you should only be happy for an hour or two. Studies show that 1-2 hours is the amount of time necessary for an ecstatic football fan to come back down to earth and understand the smallness of what he or she just witnessed. If it takes you a shorter amount of time, great! You are ahead of the curve. If it takes you longer than that, more’s the pity.
• Twitter Tip: You must be even more disciplined when using twitter. The forced brevity and social nature of Twitter encourages people to let their dignity get away from them. So for that reason you are only allowed one (1) celebratory reaction tweet before returning to your normal lives. The tweet must be sent within the two-hour timeframe and should adhere to the standards of originality.
• If your favorite team loses you are allowed to be upset for up to three (3) hours. Be upset. Don’t be despondent; don’t be devastated. And heaven help you if you are caught crying. In fact, it might be best if you quietly—but politely—slink into solitude for the rest of the night. There is nothing there for you anymore, not at the party, not on TV, and certainly not on the internet.

• Twitter Tip: You are allowed zero (0) reaction tweets if your favorite team loses. This is just a matter of pride. Never let them see you down.
• Don’t say anything about the referees. Ever. They are not out to get your team, they are not on the take, and they certainly weren’t the reason your team won or lost. A game is a marathon series of events, the combination of which determine the final outcome. No one person or call is greater than the whole of the game. 

The Day After 

• There are no rules for the day after. Why? BECAUSE IT’S THE DAY AFTER. If the game is still on your mind the day after, fine. If the game is still on your tongue then you’re a horrible person with an absolutely warped sense of reality and priorities. Seek help. 

Miscellaneous

• Jerseys: It’s shocking this needs to be repeated in 2013 yet people still don’t get it: Adults should never wear jerseys. No exceptions. If you’re going to the game, don’t wear a jersey, even if everyone in your section is wearing one. If you’re at a smaller party, the jersey-wearer is the fair game object of scorn and derision. And if you’re alone and wearing a jersey then you are fired from society.
• Food: A football watch party is still a party so you should just refer to the common rules of etiquette regarding food. It’s always nice to bring food and you should consult with the host on what to bring. The trend among Madison Avenue advertisers is to portray people saving a party by bringing a bunch of fast food. They’re only out for your money. Never bri—you know what, no. Go ahead and bring a bucket of KFC or a box of Doritios Locos Tacos to the party. See what happens.
• Second-Degree Cheering: Don’t root for or “thank” teams in games that don’t involve your favorite team just because the outcome may affect your favorite team in the future. I call that second-degree cheering and it’s a sign of being so far down the Uninitiated Fan Rabbit Hole that escape is only a faint hope. Keep your eyes on your favorite team only. The beauty of sports is that destiny is always in the hands of the deserving. If they cannot succeed on their own merits then so be it. Primary cheering does nothing anyway; second-degree cheering is just grasping at straws.
• Other Twitter Tips: Don’t follow a current professional athlete. Due to league restrictions and/or limited intellect they rarely say anything substantive. If you are caught unironically retweeting a professionally athlete you are telling the twitter world that you have an unhealthy fixation with your team that has lead you to waste your time reading the non-thoughts a man you would hate had fate not placed him in a certain uniform.
• First Person: This is the “abortion” of sports debate, the one topic guaranteed to incite heated rhetoric and bad feeling on both ends. However, unlike abortion, this debate is black-and-white with a clear winning side: never refer to your team in the first person. “We” did not win the game, they did. “Our” coach is not an idiot, their coach is. “We” are not playing for a spot in the Super Bowl, they are. Never forget your place in the football world: power-gorging empty calories while the real people of consequence are miles away getting their brains beat in. It’s gotten the point where referring to a team in the first person is an automatic expulsion-worthy offense in my household. Because despite all the patronizing efforts of your favorite team’s marketing department one simple fact remains: the game is decided by the men on the field and only the men on the field. Language is a weapon. Wield it wisely or don’t wield it at all.

This primer may be harsher in tone than you expected. Indeed the rules above may fundamentally change the way you watch football. Living by this primer may be a struggle for some. But really this all boils down to a mantra, a simple six-word sentence that you can repeat to yourself if you ever find yourself straying from the path of the civilized sports fan. Don't be afraid to say this out loud. No matter where you are or what you're doing, this mantra will save you from a world of embarrassment:

“Act like I’ve been there before.”

Happy viewing!