THE 2012 COMMERCIAL GIRL DRAFT BOARD

On a football-filled New Year’s Night several bright, intelligent TV watchers began discussing over Twitter some of the comely ladies who grace our flatscreens during commercial breaks. One thing lead to another and I am proud to announce the inaugural Commercial Girl Draft.
The rules are simple: If she is in a commercial she can be drafted. The only restrictions are ladies in ads promoting a TV show or Movie or ladies who achieved mainstream Film/TV fame before appearing in the commercial. Sorry, but the Famous Actresses Draft is for another time.
After all the participants gathered, their twitter handles were placed in a data randomizer and the result would be the final draft order. The 2012 Commercial Girl draft order was:

1. TheGuruStu
2. Titanium_R_A
3. JNorris25
4. Rights_of_bill
5. JoeInBugaha
6. DeanNoLongerInO
7. Fidoz
8. MastTerBase
9. Duncanstein (me)
10. Derse12
11. TheFrancisPablo

After minutes of vigorous scouting, the various general managers considered such things as arm slots, explosivity, and hip swivel. Their deliberations lead to the biggest decisions they would ever make in life. Without any further ado, the order of Commercial Girl draftees (along with links to their commercials) is below:

NOTE: The Commercial Girl Draft is for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance between this and any real entry draft, past or present, is purely coincidental. Seeking Your Own Satori, its contributors, Ape Donkey, and all drafters sincerely thank the ladies involved for the work they do and want nothing more than to keep the tone of this draft light-hearted and complimentary.

FIRST ROUND

Pick	Overall	Drafter	Commercial Girl
1	1	TheGuruStu	Romolicious from the NFL Network Fantasy Football Commercial
2	2	Titanium_R_A	Reebok Easy Tone Girl
3	3	JNorris25	College in PJ’s girl from Education Connection
4	4	Rights_of_Bill	Golfer mom from Zyrtec commercial
5	5	JoeInBugaha	Jessica Frech, The Singing Hyundai Guitarist Girl
6	6	DeanNoLongerInO	The Girl From 4E From State Farm
7	7	Fidoz	The Date from Heineken’s “The Date” commercial
8	8	MastTerBase	Blonde from the Kumho Tires Beach Commercial
9	9	Duncanstein	Andrea Bogart, the weather lady from AT&T’s “Hey Marcel!” commercial
10	10	Derse12	The British girl from the Old Spice Commercial (video semi-NSFW)
11	11	TheFrancisPablo	Sally from the Subway “Betrayal” commercial

SECOND ROUND

Pick	Overall	Drafter	Commercial Girl
1	12	TheGuruStu	The Facebook Girl form the Toyota Venza Commercial
2	13	Titanium_R_A	The lady from the “Don’t Close the…Dooooor” House Hunters on HGTV promo
3	14	JNorris25	The Treadmill Girl from the Worx Energy Commercial
4	15	Rights_of_Bill	The Vegas Road Trip Girl from the Crest 3D White Strips Commercial
5	16	JoeInBugaha	Denise from Taco Bell
6	17	DeanNoLongerInO	The “Change Me Back” (After) Girl from State Farm’s Anniversary Ad
7	18	Fidoz	The T-Mobile Girl.
8	19	MastTerBase	Nicole Taylor, the Corona Beach Getaway Checkout Line Girl
9	20	Duncanstein	Purple Dress Girl from State Farm’s “Dark Side” Ad
10	21	Derse12	The Original Orbit Girl, Vanessa Branch
11	22	TheFrancisPablo	Samantha from the Subway Ads

THIRD ROUND

Pick	Overall	Drafter	Commercial Girl
1	23	TheGuruStu	“Daddy Don’t Want No Cologne” Girl from Best Buy’s “Disproportionately-Huge-Rage-at-Santa” Campaign.
2	24	Titanium_R_A	Nathalie Kelley from the Schick Quattro Ad
3	25	JNorris25	Milana Dadamjana of Zippearz.com Earphones
4	26	Rights_of_Bill	The Lexus Elevator Girl
5	27	JoeInBugaha	The Super C-U-T-E Old Navy Kim Kardashian Lookalike
6	28	DeanNoLongerInO	Go Daddy Girl Who Was Knocked Out By a Locker Door*
7	29	Fidoz	Blue Print Dress iPod Touch Enjoyer
8	30	MastTerBase	Tore Miesi, model famous for the Benefiber Commercial
9	31	Duncanstein	The Agent from State Farm’s “Leather Pants” commercial
10	32	Derse12	The Mother (first one) from the Worx Commercial
11	33	TheFrancisPablo	Marina, 27, from a Proactive Commercial I Cannot Track Down Anywhere

FOURTH ROUND

Pick	Overall	Drafter	Commercial Girl
1	34	TheGuruStu	Natalie Garza, one of the most recent Doublemint Twins from 2005
		Titanium_R_A	CONCLUDED HIS PARTICIPATION IN THE FIRST FIVE ROUNDS
2	35	JNorris25	Eleanor Wells of the Sketchers Shape-Ups ad
		Rights_of_Bill	MISSED DRAFT TIME LIMIT, MOVED TO END OF ROUND
3	36	JoeInBugaha	Blonde Miller Lite Cabana Bartender
4	37	DeanNoLongerInO	The Pitchlady from the the Shakeweight commercial
5	38	Fidoz	Verizon “Rule The Air” Lady
6	39	MastTerBase	Lingerie Wearer from the Windows Phone “Really?!” Commercial”
7	40	Duncanstein	The McDonald’s “Pet Name” Girl
8	41	Derse12	The Miller Lite “Momma’s Boy” Bartender
9	42	TheFrancisPablo	Lauren Ashley Bishop of Mini Babybel fame
10	43	Rights_of_Bill	Esurance “You DJ On the Weekends?” Girl

FIFTH ROUND

Pick	Overall	Drafter	Commercial Girl
1	44	TheGuruStu	Nicole Garza, The Second Doublemint Twin from 2005
		Titanium_R_A	CONCLUDED HIS PARTICIPATION IN THE FIRST FIVE ROUNDS
2	45	JNorris25	The Lay’s Potato Chip Redhead
3	46	Rights_of_Bill	Taco Bell Denise’s Co-Worker
4	47	JoeInBugaha	Girlfriend of the Crying Miller Lite Airport Guy
5	48	DeanNoLongerInO	Ginger Date Searcher from Zooks
6	49	Fidoz	The Labcoated *ahem* “Scientist” from the Trojan Bareskin Ad
7	50	MastTerBase	Very Skilled Blonde in the Tic Tacs Commercial*
8	51	Duncanstein	KGB SMS Knowledge Base Girl
9	52	Derse12
10	53	TheFrancisPablo	The Miller Lite “Man Purse” Bartender

This concluded the “Commercial Girl” selection of our little thought exercise (I say “thought exercise” because it sounds more sophisticated than “Pervfest”). But there’s one last round: The Coach’s Round. Here, our intrepid GM’s choose from the field of ANY currently-running TV show to “coach” the squad they created. After all, what is TV but the next level up from TV commercials? Leadership is big.

SIXTH ROUND—THE COACH’S ROUND

Pick	Drafter	Commercial Girl “Coach”
1	TheGuruStu	Maria Bello–Prime Suspect
	Titanium_R_A
2	JNorris25	April Bowlby–Drop Dead Diva
3	Rights_of_Bill	Elisha Cuthbert–Happy Endings
4	JoeInBugaha	Cobie Smulders–How I Met Your Mother*
5	DeanNoLongerInO	The Girl from TMZ With the Horn-Rimmed Glasses, who is not only a real person but popular enough to be a suggested search term on Google.
6	Fidoz	Aubrey Plaza–Parks and Recreation
7	MastTerBase	Gillian Jacobs–Community
8	Duncanstein	Jane Levy–Suburgatory
	Derse12
9	TheFrancisPablo	Katie Aselton–The League

-->
-->

WAIVER WIRE

Every sports fan knows that the week after any draft is rife with “final touch” moves as each organization scrambles to get in the best position possible. Sadly, that means draftees (especially late-round draftees) are released in favor of an undrafted free agent. The first of such moves was made today. It (and any subsequent ones) is outlined below:

Drafter	Waived Commercial Girl	Acquired Commercial Girl
MastTerBase	Skilled Tic Tac Lady (Rd 5, 50)	Aveeno Girl in the field with the young child
JoeInBugaha	Cobie Smulders (Coach)	Kaley Cuoco
DeanNoLongerInO	GoDaddy Locker Girl (Rd 3, 28)	Girl from the “Hottie to Nottie” Worx ad
MastTerBase	Aveeno Girl in the field with the young child (WAIVER)	Eharmony “iPhone users have my sex” girl

FINAL ROSTERS—As Of February 5, 2012

Manager	Roster
TheGuruStu	Romolicious, Toyota Venza Facebook, “Daddy Don’t Want No Cologne,” Doublemint Twin 1, Doublemint Twin 2, Maria Bello (Coach)
Titanium_R_A	Reebok Easy Tone, House Hunters “Don’t Close the Door,” Schick Quattro,
JNorris25	College in PJ’s, Worx Treadmill, Zippearz.com Earphones, Sketchers Shape-Ups, Lays Potato Chip Readhead, April Bowlby (Coach)
Rights_of_Bill	Zyrtec Golfer Mom, Crest 3D Vegas Road Trip, Lexus Elevator, Esurance “Do You DJ?” Taco Bell Denise’s Co-Worker, Elisha Cuthbert (Coach)
JoeInBugaha	Hyundai Singer, Taco Bell Denise, Super C-U-T-E, Blonde Miller Lite Cabana, Crying Miller Lite Airport Girlfriend, Cobie Smulders (Coach)
DeanNoLongerInO	Girl From 4E, State Farm “Change Me Back” (after), GoDaddy Knocked Out By Locker Door, Shakeweight Pitchlady, Zooks ginger, Glasses TMZ Girl (Coach)
Fidoz	Heinekin Date, T-Mobile Girl, iPod Touch Blue Dress, Verizon “Rule The Air,” Trojan Bare Skin Scientist, Aubrey Plaza (Coach)
MastTerBase	Kumho Tires Girl, Corona Beach Getaway Checkout Line, Benefiber Model, Windows Phone Lingerie, eHarmony iPhone Girl, Jillian Jacobs (Coach)
Duncanstein	“Hey Marcel” Weather Girl, State Farm “Dark Side” Sensitivity Blonde, State Farm “Leather Pants” Agent, McDonalds “Pet Name,” KGB SMS Text Service, Jane Levy (Coach)
Derse12	British Old Spice, Original Orbit Girl, Worx Mother, Miller Lite “Momma’s Boy,”
TheFrancisPablo	Subway Sally, Subway Samantha, Proactive Marina, 27, Lauren Ashley Bishop of Mini Babybel, Miller Lite “Man Purse,” Katie Aselton (Coach)

What is the next step in the 2012 Commercial Girl Draft? Who knows? Maybe it'll be a fountain of numerous inside jokes, maybe it'll be the start of a grand tradition, maybe it'll be a source of unfathomable embarrassment in a few years. Either way there will be a permanent record of what we did to start the new year somewhere. One thing is for sure: The next time somebody says the T-Mobile Girl is a first-rounder, we finally have definitive proof that she is not. Something great happened over the long weekend. It just didn't happen here.

NOTE: The Commercial Girl Draft is for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance between this and any real entry draft, past or present, is purely coincidental. Seeking Your Own Satori, its contributors, Ape Donkey, and all drafters sincerely thank the ladies involved for the work they do and want nothing more than to keep the tone of this draft light-hearted and complimentary.

TV Review: "Man Up"

I don't do many requests. But a couple of weeks ago a twitter buddy posed a writing challenge so difficult, so daunting that I had no choice but to accept it. After all, we cannot call ourselves human if we don't every once in a while challenge ourselves and test the very limits of what we believe is possible. With this post I am doing just that. So as requested by the one they call Julia, I present to you my TV review of the new Christopher Moynihan series Man Up.

Prejudices are bad. As much as it is human nature to try to draw the most broad conclusions from the least amount of research, it's a habit we would all do better without.

Take the new ABC comedy series Man Up, for instance. Sure it takes its title from one of the most obnoxious phrases in modern American vernacular. Sure it’s being marketed as a companion piece to the painful Tim Allen series Last Man Standing. Sure the previews made it look like what the writers of Entourage would have to cobble together if they didn’t have access to the sex, vulgarity, or any of the other premium cable elements that made Entourage palatable.

But those are all prejudices. Only an honest and objective viewing of an episode or two can prove if those prejudices have any merit. So with 45 minutes to spare, I sat down to the second and third episodes of the testosterone-drenched series (as a rule I avoid the pilots of every TV show I can. Even the most brilliant shows are prone to dull, uninspiring pilots).

Man Up follows the friendship of three men who have delayed maturity long enough and need to start becoming adults. Mather Zickle stars as Will, the straight man of the of the trio. Despite being the only family man in the group, Will is really no more mature than his two buddies Kenny (Dan Fogler) and Craig (Christopher Moynihan). Sure, they all hold professional careers (I’m still not sure what, but I know it takes place in an office and they all have to wear suits) and are encountering more and more responsibilities. But, as evidenced by their video game rituals and inane random chatter, these three are in for a long journey to adulthood.

One of the worst habits of “gender-specific” TV shows is having all the characters speak in the same voice. What good is a show about men if you can’t make any distinctions between one character and another? Man Up avoids this trap for the most part. After the first three weeks we can see Will, Kenny, and Craig’s distinct personality traits and they play off each other (as opposed to gelling together into one amorphous blob) pretty well. But there are still unfortunate moments when the three act like the same hackneyed male stereotype. I would much prefer if each character took one hackneyed male stereotype and claimed it as his own. If it's Kenny as hairy and emotionally unstable, Craig as the effete metrosexual, and Will as the henpecked bore, fine. It's when the three come together as "Generalized Manchild" when the show reaches its lowest points.

The Y-chromosome presents comedic potential from countless different angles. Use them.

Before totally buying into the series I still need reassurance that the writers won’t run this “adolescent bromance” angle into the ground. That’s a pretty tall task considering “adolescent bromance” is, well, the entire reason Man Up exists. But every good show is able to find depth in a one-note concept. The second episode did that beautifully by turning “adolescent bromance” into a study on Star Wars geekery. The third episode, however, fell short. Having Kenny and Craig build a pool in their backyard for no real reason is exactly the kind of thing one would expect. And for a show like Man Up, it’s best if you keep giving the audience the unexpected.

Man Up still has a ways to go before it reaches the upper echelon of current comedy series. Praise for avoiding pitfalls can only go so far. The writers and cast still need to make positive and consistent gains on their own right. But critically speaking, the show is not in any apparent danger of being unfunny or hard to watch. It’s a clean, technically-sound tee shot that lands smack dab in the middle of the fairway. For a concept that could have gone very wrong very quickly, I consider that a credit to the cast and crew—especially considering there’s plenty of room for growth.

So instead of blaming myself for holding prejudices, I’m going to do the American thing and point the finger elsewhere. ABC should be ashamed of itself for an advertising campaign that was as cynical as it was sparse. I’d like to think that America can handle a sitcom about men without being hit over the head with scenes of them playing video games or being nagged by their wives. Male adulthood is so much funnier than that. Man Up appears to be up for the task of showing it. I hope ABC's marketing department is as well.

The Fake Baseball Fan's Guide to Picking a Team

The snow on the ground has melted, the sky is blue, and we are slowly but surely shedding our coats and scarves for short sleeves and sunglasses. Spring is here and you know what that means: it’s almost summer! And you know what summer means.

 

Feel the excitement! (or at least as much excitement as we can muster in this damned heat)

I’ve never been crazy about baseball. As far as sports go, I don’t hold it in utter contempt like soccer, but I also don’t make appointments to watch like football, basketball, or hockey. But they do call summer the “dog days” for a reason and I’m going to need a distraction during the season.

Now as a proud Chicago homer I’m in the unenviable position of picking between two MLB teams to place my emotional chips. If you want to talk baseball in this town you have to pledge your allegiance to either the Cubs or the White Sox. On this there can be no compromise. The Cubs/White Sox rivalry is, for my money, the most heated rivalry two baseball teams that don’t share a league can have. But don’t take my word for it. Look at this local car commercial and tell me that white-hot seething hate doesn’t burn between these two proud franchises.

This might be Lou Piniella's last year with the team, making this the last year that commercial will be relevant. Join me in a wistful sigh.

Transcending sports as much as possible, the Cubs/White Sox rivalry is essential Chicago, nine innings at a time. Choosing a side is not just a statement on baseball, it’s a reflection of your family background, your geographic location, and your socioeconomic status. Your decision answers the question “What does this city mean to you?”

…at least that’s the case among real baseball fans.

To a guy like me (who can take or leave baseball) choosing a side is just a necessary means to avoid looking like a tool if you ever decide to talk sports during the summer. Most fans’ appreciation for sports comes at an early age, with family influences. Well my family wasn’t into sports much (or the just didn’t want to talk about it with me), so I came onto the scene late, left to my own devices to form my fandoms. Let’s start picking sides!

Enjoy that image, fans. Early reports indicate you won't be seeing much of it this summer.

Ah, the Cubs. The Cubbies. The Northsiders. One of baseball’s most storied franchises in one of the game’s most historic parks. Wrigley Field is a museum of baseball history. Even if the seating isn’t comfortable and you still need to pee in a trough. Baseball is an old-timey sport so this antiquated ball park is perfect. And the warm, vibrant Wrigleyville area is an extension of the stadium. Even if you don’t like baseball, the corner of Addison and Clark is one of the go-to tourist spots in Chicago.

Among other things, the Cubs represent the metropolitan flash and glamor that makes Chicago (specifically the North Side) a world-class city. Be honest: how many of you, before reading this post, even knew that Chicago had a second major league baseball team? From the Steve Goodman song “Go Cubs Go” to the opening sequence of the sitcom Perfect Stranger, popular media has pretty much bent over backwards to equate Chicago with one and only one baseball team: your Chicago Cubs. But what does it mean to be a Cubs fan?

Cubs fans--especially the younger ones--have a reputation of not caring much about the game or the team and only attending games because Wrigley Field is the place to be. This view, simplistic as it is, is supported by WGN, the televised home of the Chicago Cubs. Watch a Cubs home game on WGN and you’ll be treated to no fewer than 1,000 shots of people in the stands drinking beer, talking on their cell phones, posing for pictures, sunbathing, and anything else that isn’t watching the game on the field. Even though this behavior is the antithesis of real sports fandom, I’m not gonna lie to you: I can’t see myself paying close attention to a baseball game. To that end, I have to identify with Cub fans' attitude toward the game. Even if you bought a ticket, there has to be better things to do in the boiling high noon heat than watch nine guys meander around a field during the constant lulls in action. I mentioned the girls sunbathing, right?

From a baseball standpoint, the most compelling reason to cheer for the Cubs is the fact that they play in the National League. Now I know that I’m a disinterested fence-sitter, but if I’m going to watch baseball, I might as well watch baseball done right. For the uninitiated, the National League is the league where the pitcher must hit. “Well of course the pitcher must hit! Isn’t he part of the team?” you might ask. Well there is another league, the American League, where the pitcher doesn’t have to hit in the lineup. In fact, in the American League, there’s an entirely new position called “designated hitter” where a guy (typically over the hill and incapable of providing anything more than home runs) just sits on the bench and waits for his time to bat. No fielding, no pitching, he probably doesn’t even have to get his own Gatorade. It’s madness, I know. And the Cubs manage to avoid it. But there’s another team in town that isn’t so lucky…

I'd use a nicer picture, but Google has yet to find a picturesque view of the South Side.

The White Sox. The Southsiders. The Team that Actually Won. If the Cubs represent the face of the city, the White Sox represent the blood and guts: not as pretty, nobody likes to talk about them, but their presence is no less vital to the life of Chicago. Socially, the South Side is marked by a distinct blue-collar working class demographic, holdovers from the old rail and steel days. Comisky Park U.S. Cellular Field is not nearly as historic or scenic as Wrigley Field and gathering a sellout crowd sometimes seems impossible. But White Sox Nation is a proud and loyal fan base. Perhaps a little too proud.

Despite having the city’s only World Series championship in 92 years, White Sox fans are still wont to harp on the shortcomings of the Cubs. In fact, most of the stereotypes about Cub fans written above are creations of White Sox fans. This is textbook inferiority complex and, quite frankly, I think they’re better than that.

In fact, I know they’re better than that. In recent history, General Manager Kenny Williams and Team Manager Ozzie Guillen have organized a team that stays competitive just about every year. They might not always win the AL Central, but they’re going to stay in the conversation through September. As a sports fan, I have to appreciate ownership that takes the business of winning seriously. Unfortunately, at times, it seems as though the Cubs brass is content to spend big money directionlessly. And because of the unwavering loyalty of Cubs fans, the organization doesn’t take a financial hit. It creates quite the nasty cycle. But here I go using the Sox’s time to go negative on the other side. I’m acting like a fan already! Speaking of acting like a fan...

Every single Luv-a-bull at the United Center wishes she could be as shameless a cheerleader as this guy.

The White Sox also boast Ken “Hawk” Harrelson, perhaps my absolute favorite Chicago sports announcer. I already know the following sentence won’t make sense, but try to follow me on this: Hawk Harrelson is so boring that he actually completes the 360 and returns back to total audio fun. He can spend a half-inning telling a story about some obscure knuckleballer from the 1968 Washington Senator and lull you into a sense of serenity. He broadcasting style is baseball personified. But that’s not the whole of Hawk’s charm. When he’s not waxing nostalgic, he’ll delight TV viewers with one of his many many catchphrases. Baseball fans (even ones outside the area) know what I’m talking about: “HEGONE!” “Can ‘O corn.” “Stretch!” “Gasssssss” and the immortal “You can put it on the boooooooooooard, YES!” If Hawk Harrelson were any other man, I would call him the hackiest hack who ever hacked. But once again, he’s so corny that it’s absolutely awesome. Chicago either loves Hawk or loathes him, but if I’m going to watch over 150 baseball games on TV, I want to listen to somebody who doesn’t take the sport or himself too seriously.

There are several other factors in choosing a team, but these are my main points of interest. And even after I’ve laid them all out in blog form, I’m still having a heck of a time making a final decision. So I call upon you, gentle reader, to break the tie. Especially my friends in Chicago. I’m a very dedicated fan and my rooting might just be the thing that puts your team over the top this year. To make the most informed decision, I’m willing to accept free tickets to both Wrigley and the Cell to get a closer look. But no matter what my final decision is, I promise you this: when Crosstown Rivalry time (the 6 games during the season when both teams play each other) comes, I will not be the jerk in stands wearing this:

The Devil's Pajamas

 Read more >>   Options >>